Al's second year healthy heart anniversary is on December 7. I realized that I was living my Mom's life the moment the doctors told us that Al, my then 38-year-old relatively healthy husband, would immediately have to undergo a quadruple bypass. This upcoming weekend is a big one. 100 days since Dad passed away. Al's heart anniversary. I realize that this year, the months of August and December are of tremendous significance. August is the month Al & I met, and it's the month Dad died. December is Al's heart's milestone, and it's also Dad's 100th day death anniversary. So yin-yang.
100 days. I'm not sure why 100 is so special, other than some Buddhists believe the spirit is reborn then. And I'm not sure that Catholics place more significance on the 100th day over the 40th day. In any case, this 100 days weighs heavy on my heart . . . in more than one way.
So much so that around this time of year, I feel little jabs and pangs in my chest, which I always attribute to anxiety around Al's 'second life.' I've been scheduling my annual physical around this time of year, and I insist that my doctor do an EKG. Like last year, today's was normal. Thank goodness. My cholesterol levels have been exceptional. And still, I ask my doctor if I need to see a cardiologist. She thinks I'm cute. But I'm actually paranoid . . . I'm bound to die of either heart disease or cancer. Dad lived with both, and both ailments run on both sides of my family. Acckkk!
I remind myself, I need to meditate just a little longer each day.
May I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful & at ease.
May I be happy.
Tat tuan asmi. Shanti, shanti, shanti.
