Sunday's treat

dressed in their best 
red & white gingham 
fresh, hot clam strips
lure us from La Mer's siesta
into Keyport's winter wonderland
where the sun is a spring tease
& we savor Sunday's sweetness


Lady in waiting

I was pleasantly surprised to learn this afternoon that our dossier was finally shipped to the Philippines.  The last few weeks were a bit frustrating having to go after some paperwork that we'd confirmed was already completed. After verifying and re-verifying information that we'd clarified a while ago and had initially asked questions about to make sure that we wouldn't have to re-verify things . . . I suppose things don't always happen the way you want them to, and things certainly aren't always as easy as we'd like.  Good training for parenthood, I guess.

YES! . . . We are finally entering waiting mode, the next leg of our adoption journey.  Of course, now we're waiting for word that Mr. R. has received our file in the Philippines so that he can turn it over to the Inter-Country Adoption Board (ICAB).  And then we'll wait for word that ICAB is reviewing our file.  And THEN we'll wait to be pre-matched, so that we can wait for our official match . . . The waiting will go on and on for a while.  

Strangely enough, I wasn't howling with excitement when I received D.'s email from PSB.  My heart did a little flip, and that was it.  When I shared with A. the news, he was reserved and said, Well that's to be expected.  I asked him, Aren't you excited?  No doubt he is.  He's just so practical and logical when it comes to letting the process happen.

When I look at the stars in a winter night's sky, I know that my dad is somehow involved in this process.   I'm just thankful to be a lady in waiting.      


Pregnant in my heart

While A. & I chose not to go down the unknown road of infertility treatments and while we didn't super-super-try and do absolutely everything medically possible to become pregnant, I have to admit, it does bite a little when I realize that becoming pregnant just didn't happen so easily for us.  And sure, it may happen after we bring our little one home . . . and it may not.  And yes, adoption has always been part of our family plan.  Some have pointed out that is hasn't really been an easy past few years what with A.'s open heart quadruple bypass and Dad's cancer journey and death.  And no, it hasn't been easy . . . not at all.  Certainly can't get pregnant when you're living with such stress.

During one of our home visits with our social worker, she asked if I'd had enough time to grieve over the loss of a birth child.  I responded, I don't think I was ever devastated at not being able to become physically pregnant, not like some of the women I know who've invested so much time and money in IVF as well as multiple surgeries and procedures.  But once the realization set in, that becoming pregnant wasn't happening at the time we'd been trying up until the present, I was sadly disappointed.  So much so . . . that it does make me cry and sometimes feel just a little inadequate as a woman who's supposed to be child-bearing.  Then I run through inane thoughts like, I married too late, my time has passed.  I usually regain my sanity and know, this is the way it's supposed to be.  We are meant to be an adoptive family . . . because we'll be pretty damn good at it.

Still, those piercing moments tend to nip at me like annoying mosquito bites.  Like when pregnant women talk about how they can't wait to lose all the weight they've gained or what kinds of cravings they've had.  I'm not angry, but sometimes feel a little stabbed.  Or maybe it's just a pin prick like when they draw blood for a routine blood test.  I make sure to check myself.  I'm aware it's my stuff and no one else's.  I'm also realizing, folks are extremely respectful of our privacy and choice to adopt.  It's paradoxical.  Part of me appreciates that, and the other part of me is wistfully wondering, Why aren't they excited for us?  If we were physically pregnant, there would be such hullaballoo.

I've romanticized for some years now, what it might be like once we walk through the gates at Newark Airport, returning home to the States after a long journey to pick up our child.  I've begun to think about our child's welcome ceremony, how to personalize it, and whom I would want to celebrate with us.  A. says he doesn't want too much pomp & circumstance around our future child's homecoming.  Me?  I go back and forth.  There are some things, I know I would love to do, and there are others -- not so much. Every so often, I surf through the net looking for different ways to channel my excitement.  And then, I stop myself.  Maybe it's too soon to be overjoyed.  We don't have a child match yet.

But I am . . . delighted . . . because I have been pregnant in my heart for so very long.  


Lucky numbers

6 - 3 - 3 - 0 - 1 - 8.  Perhaps I should play those numbers. They are the numerals associated with our most recent adoption processing fees.  It's been mostly piecemeal since September.  $300 here.  $600 there.  $100 here.  $50 there.  $7 at the UPS store.  And now the more substantial fees are creeping up on us.  Maybe that's a good thing because that means we're moving closer to being officially in waiting mode.  We're that much closer to eventually receiving our match, and we're that much closer to planning a trip to bring our child home.  

Sometimes the range of emotions catches me off guard.  Stretches of time between paperwork, and just when I feel a sense of accomplishment having  completed one set of forms, there's another set due.  With all sorts of complicated instructions, required documents and of course -- more fees. Though I have to admit, I actually think the adoption paperwork has been much easier than any government RFPs I've labored over since writing city/state/federal grants for work.

In addition to the unending paperwork and check-writing, A. & I realize how real our adoption journey is.  We have made this very serious and committed choice to bring a child into our family, and we are preparing financially, emotionally and physically for this child's arrival.  We're in constant discussion about money matters, feelings about becoming parents as well as all the purging of unnecessary items from our home once we receive a match.  All in anticipation of adjusting to a little person in our lives, and we are very aware of how we may be out-of-balance for a while as we figure out what it will be like to expand our family.  On an even more upside, Mom says she looks forward to being called Lola and taking our toddler to the park.

Not sure what role numbers play in our fortune, but I do know how lucky I am to be on this journey to parenthood with A.  


Honoring Gaea

the quiescent fallen snow is my blanket
the wind sings tenderly to me 
a dulcet lullaby
i pray to Gaea


Snowed in

radiant white snow
comforts me like hot popcorn
crunchity crunch crunch