Grieving through the heaviness

The world is heavy, and so is my heart. A couple of weeks ago, I took a quick train ride up to Connecticut to check on our family elders, including my mom, auntie and uncle. My cousins flew in from California and Georgia. Uncle was supposed to have a simple medical procedure, but taking him off his blood thinnners puts him at high risk for stroke. Grateful our visit was not due to crisis because those kinds of visits seem more frequent in this phase of life. As the daughters and sons of aging parents, with every visit, we observe that our parents are walking a little slower, and their short term memory is a little more challenged. Discussions around plans to put into action when the time comes are stressful. I have to laugh until I cry my way through the weight and urgency of the future that feels like, is here now. So much laughing. 

And on top of that? Being the springboard and repository for my teenager's rollercoaster emotions, sometimes hormonal. Constantly reminding myself that her prefrontal cortex is still developing. Sometimes in the loneliness of the car while I scream, sometimes in the early morning waking as my mind races with worry and frustration as I work to calm myself in morning meditation. Grateful that we are learning to have those hard conversations. 

Not to mention all that is destroying humanity in our country as I try to disengage from the news. I have one good friend protesting the concentration camps just 15 minutes from where she lives and a cousin on duty 24/7 advocating for immigrants' rights while I try to do my share in my small corner of the world supporting volunteers and agencies that serve the food insecure or unhoused, those formerly detained and trying to make a new lives for themselves. 

Still, we try to sell to our kids that there is goodness in the world, just not Stateside, not this government at this moment. But in the people working hard to make good trouble. 

How do we find the strength and resilience to keep caring? 

Pious Angel

Sadly, my mother-in-law has lost four siblings and her husband in less than two years. Most recently, A.'s beloved Tita Lita died. He has shared many affectionate stories of her by his side as a young boy growing up in the Philippines as well as in his adulthood, her wisdom in finding a life partner. I am deeply grateful to have had many occasions to just sit and visit with her and chat about Life. Also thankful that N. will always have the memory of enjoying breakfasts and 'real bacon' with Lola Lita. 

In loving memory of Angelita Branam
b. 7.2.44 - d. 4.25.26

stories relayed to me of a most devout angel's
comforting presence --
tita who served a soothing force in his times of loneliness
guidance --
tita who offered warmth and protection
healing love --
tita who ferried peace to his broken heart
her mighty faithfulness and resilience
an angel's grace so soft and light
his guardian Tita Angelita

Easter tending

tending to myself

in the season of renewal
a 7.2mile run
around the circles of America's Athens
-- Westgate
-- Church
-- State Capital
on the hallowed grounds of St. John's 
tending to ourselves
on the river Severn
retreat on the water
so that we may feel refreshed
amidst the baroque byways of Annapolis