Twin soul

Yesterday's first guided meditation --

I imagine my twin soul in a Higher Place accompanied by Dad.  We were to choose a family member who has passed on.  A cord connects from my heart to my twin soul's heart who just happens to be wearing the same clothes I'm wearing that morning -- jeans, orange embroidered blouse, black sweater & dark fuschia flats with star sparkles.  As I exhale chilling worries, they travel through the cord to my twin soul who returns my energy as a bright Light, and I inhale warm Love.  I inhale & exhale soothingly until the sound of the bell rings.  Ting!  

My three intentions have been set for the day's retreat.  One bead for each threaded onto a wire wrapped around my tall white candle.  A clear bead with a white swirly & a smaller green one embedded within it for healthy blessings.  A small periwinkle bead for meaningful purpose, a job please.  A flower-shaped blue bead for a child in waiting, so that we may be on the path to starting our own family.  And a fourth large, yellow & white striped bead with wired wings to represent myself.  It just called to me.

The candle sits next to a photo of Dad & me on my wedding day on our livingroom armoire and reminds me that Dad is at peace & is less than an arm length's away from my twin soul.

Surrender

I had the honor of attending the 10th Annual Women's Retreat hosted by the Holistic Healing Center of Red Bank (NJ) today.  It was a day-long event at the Unitarian Church, where I had the opportunity to learn about spirit guides, changing my energy frequencies and cleaning out my karma.  What I appreciated most was the opportunity to experience different kinds of guided meditation, something I've tried to become more disciplined about.  And I even won one of the door prizes, a 90-minute yoga therapy session valued at $125.  That's what I call good karma!

A couple of nights ago, I'd finally finished reading Rainbow Tribe: Ordinary People Journeying on the Red Road, the sequel to Mother Earth Spirituality which describes Native American teachings & how to apply them to contemporary living.  So my attendance at today's retreat fit in quite amazingly.  

My morning workshop, a guided meditation, presented me with a chance to meet my spirit guide who appeared in the natural form of rain accompanied by a peek of sunshine.  This Rain Goddess communicated a message of appreciating time & being at peace with Time.  My early afternoon session focused on the energies within our bodies and how we can emit positive forces through 'scripting' the now (a kind of writing therapy, I suppose) as there is no past and no future.  Very Tolle-esque, I thought. And my last offering enabled me to be in tune with all of my negative worries around being unemployed, childless and anxieties about Mom & A., and more importantly, how to let go of such anxieties with the support of focused breathing and integrative energy therapy.  The presence of angels doesn't hurt either! 

Might sound hokey to some folks?  But I left inspired, and it's just what I needed.  A community of women who are encouraged to heal themselves and are reminded to live with compassion, heart & strength. 

Surrender

Goddess of Source,

Help me to transcend beyond the illusion of ego.  Help me to see the pure Light of Love & Truth, which is eternal & changeless. Bring forth from within -- Divine Peace.  Guide me to wholeness and leave my heart open because I am one with the Spirit.  Amen.

Courage. Confidence. Character.

Just picked up a case of Girl Scout cookies we ordered from our 10-year-old niece, Ashley, this past weekend.  As I pack some of them off as Easter treats to my cousins in GA & CA, I catch myself in a moment of pensive declaration:

To the young woman I was in my blue & white pin-striped uniform & peter pan collared blouse,

To the twenty-something woman I was in my very own one-bedroom apartment where I came of age & learned to enjoy being alone,

To the thirty-something woman I was who moved from paying rent to owning her not-so-big, but cozy one-bedroom home,

To the 35-and-over woman I am who witnessed her father's death before her child's birth,

To the unborn girl who lies deep in my heart's Source,

To the confident woman I strive to be -- comfortable in my own skin, content with what is,

To all courageous women whom I have encountered in my work, among my family & friends,

Discover your power

Connect with others

Take action in your communities

Just like it says on those little cookie boxes.  While these are big lessons our grandmothers, mothers, aunties, sisters and godmothers may have taught us, it's nice to be reminded while treating myself to a couple of afternoon munchies. 

I look forward to attending a one-day women's retreat this weekend with Holistic Healing.  Am hoping to be be inspired.  To love & light.

Dinner conversation

Israeli couscous with ground turkey, peas, carrot, onions & garlic  . . . seasoned with cumin, tumeric & pepper.  A.'s favorite.  As my unemployment funds dwindle A. asked, "What's your objective with your job search?"  

To which I responded, "I just want to be in a place where I can apply my experiences and feel good about knowing that I'm helping others . . . I want to be in a position to contribute to our household income and be able to experience a family."  Knowing that I don't have to run my own shop, knowing that I'm not climbing any career ladder.  Can that be okay?  Can that be enough?  Is that okay that that's what I want? 

A. thought that I might be looking for positions comparable to what I'd peaked at during my tenure at NYU, which isn't the case at all especially given the fact that we both want so much to have a family beyond the two of us.  And if that future includes only one child, that would be a most prayed for blessing.  We've both been mindful of the task of working through the adoption application & more importantly, the budget.  Just haven't actually sat down to revisit the real financial possibility of adoption quite yet, though it's weighed heavy in our hearts for quite some time now.  

Guess we could use a dose of Courage. Confidence. & Character.   Sometime in the next couple of months would be good. 

Bayonne's seawall

For the past few days, I'd been feeling weepy & tired . . . must be the Moon Goddess' near arrival.  After running some errands in Jersey City yesterday morning, I decided to drive over to Bayonne Park & just have a moment . . . to breathe (before heading to Mom's).  It crossed my mind to perhaps pick up Mom first (after all, I'd be driving right by)  . . . maybe she might enjoy a walk at the park too.  But she'd been complaining about the cold, & I knew I needed to be alone. 

Spring's warm sun hasn't arrived quite yet, yet Her windy chill has a way with whipping in your face & ensuring that Her bite brings me back into a mindset of abundant blessings.  With my cup of coffee, I set afoot on the pathway, over the wooden bridge and along the seawall. I even greeted the seagulls & pigeons, especially one fat one trying to sun-bathe leisurely on the grass.  I tried to take his picture, but he strolled away as I approached closer.  

As I walked along the sea wall, I was aware of my footsteps as each one hit the pavement . . . making an effort to be aware of my breath too.  After all, that's what a mindful walk is all about. Peaceful solitude embraced me.  Seniors in their car were parked as they sipped their morning cup o' joe or just stared out at Newark Bay.  A couple of old guys were courageous enough to brave the cold & had their fishing poles out.  One even sat on a bench with his paper flapping in the breeze.  I said 'good morning' to him.  As I made my way back to the car, I bumped into an Asian woman bundled up -- wearing all black, hat & gloves -- doing yoga on the wooden bridge as she looked into Spring's Light.  My meditation reminder for the day. 

Bayonne Park holds three generations' worth of memories.  A couple of barbecue birthday parties as a child.  The one that I can most remember is when I wore some Dallas Cowboys cheerleading-looking outfit and pigtails.  Walks with Mom & Dad after dinner in the summers when I was in high school.  Dad & Mom's morning walks as seniors and Dad sitting with his sukoku.  Five-year-old Malachi's special NJ week with Lelong last June. And the morning after Dad's memorial service, we honored him by sprinkling his Mass flowers over the seawall and into the bay.  All of us there -- Uncle, Auntie, Mitch, Kat, Thom, Malachi, Emi, Elinor, Anally, Josie, Rhenan, Al Harold, Alex, Mom & me. 

I'm thankful that I can visit with Dad in more than one location. Whether it's at Bayonne Park or Keyport's Pier, Dad is always in my heart's memory.

The Source: In Utero

I've been doing a good amount of reading to expand my understanding of women's fertility.  It's more than the ability to conceive and give life to another human being.  Sure, the way of the fertile soul can mean giving birth to a child.  But more encompassing, it means giving birth to the true self I, as a woman, want to be . . . living a life filled with passion, strength, joy  & adventure.  

I am blessed that I have had the opportunity to do so and have long been an advocate for doing the most difficult kind of work (not just trying to get pregnant!), that work within ourselves.  No doubt that parenthood has its challenges, but just as worthwhile are breaking through the challenges within.  It's not just about accomplishments, but also about growing a more healthful, thankful, fruitful & fun approach to life. We sometimes forget that because we get caught up in the . . . Are you married? How long have you been together?  What do you do? What does s/he do?  Where do you live?  How many kids do you have?  

I've been learning how the earthly elements of water, wood, earth, metal and fire correspond to our physical organs and energy within our bodies.  And those energies translate into our essence, soul & spirit, including the work we choose to do in the world, how centered we are, how we interact with others & how we treat ourselves . . . and ultimately the emergence of our higher selves (passion).  The work that we do within ourselves connects directly to accepting the present, so that we may be open to intending the future. 

The Source

lies deep within &

waits for the moment 

to begin

The Source

gives life &

creates healthful flow

to create

The Source

reflects fertile courage & 

intends blossoms

of abundance & treasure