A lesson before dying

the cancer hasn't gone away,
the doctor says.
but the hormone therapy has pushed
it away . . .
i am hopeful that you'll be in remission,
the doctor says

to my father
who breathes a happy relief
(who still has
prostate cancer)

he'll be just fine
with golfing, walking, and
praying at the healing masses

(he still has
prostate cancer)

it will be okay

getting set-up

I have a new computer, my final NYU gift to myself, before I left NYU and at a discount . . . a 17-inch iMAC. It's taken over a month to finally set it up, but it is -- wireless and all. As I begin to set-up my new life after NYU, I am surprisingly calm, peaceful though my anxiety eats at me in skin rahes and itchy eyes as I try to see my way into the future.

Having to get set-up all over again is a daunting task. In my procrastination, I watch Dawson, Joey and Pacey work through their teenage experiences in a far little town called Capeside. I witness the mother-daughter struggles between Lorelai and Rory, two women who remind me of the sibling relationship between a real mother and daughter in my life -- Ethel and Devyn. And in between, I treat myself to homemade peppermint ice cream. Is this what it's like to get set-up again?

It's hard. It's scary.

I still have no clue about what to pursue next. I think much about my future family and what might be a family-friendly job or career. Education seems to make the most sense. I've even thought about teaching pre-school, just to be around kids. The job hunt must begin. I hope that I have the courage to keep searching . . . for the job that will give me peace of mind, lots of laughter, and a true sense of myself.