Meditation for slowing down

walk along the water's edge
and smell the surf's salt
not summer yet
the spring's clammy sand
and oyster clouds above
ocean's deep betwixt
a most classic seascape 
sits in front of me
i rest in Presence

Thank you, Spirit, for a most welcome respite where Presence calls us to the edge of something vast, wild, & mysterious.


Our little warrior pinay

Trauma. Or as we told N., we're on an adventure! Our four-day "adventure" began with a morning trip to the pediatrician's office after two failed enemas the night before. (Need I mention that we had to go to four pharmacies before we found the right child enemas?) By noon on Wednesday of Easter Week, we found ourselves in the ER at RWJ in New Brunswick, where she was born a premie and stayed in the NICU. Five hours and an x-ray later, we learned that N. had an immense mass of waste in the bottom of her colon at the base of her rectum which explained her abdominal pain and inability to poo. We would be staying at the hospital indefinitely. 

Apparently kids with severe constipation as old as 15 years old can require a week in the hospital to flush out their system. RWJ Children's Hospital sees one to two cases every month. 

Three gallons of GoLytely liquid infused into her body within 60 hours. The equivalent of three adult colonoscopies. Her GI tract has been reset, and we now have an intimate relationship with Dr. K., her pediatric GI specialist. Dr. K. requires that N. be on a med to help stimulate her to move her bowels regularly. Throughout our stay, Dr. K. could not believe how strong a withholder N. had become. She would say multiple times, "She's tough!" Tougher than adults who have to drink only one gallon of GoLytely for a routine colonoscopy. 

I carry tremendous guilt over this horrific experience. (My mom, A. & I constantly changed N.'s diaper every 5-10 minutes through the 60 hours. N. suffered by being forced to let go of her poo juice. I switched into new clothes frequently as I held N. as much as possible.) Sure, kids are resilient. And yes, I am emotional. I retrace moments in my head -- several visits to her PCP and dermatologist, my conversations with her pediatrician, the sleepless and uncomfortable nights at home when I was unable to soothe N. She had been in agony for months, and it was masked in a recurring nasty and painful diaper rash. No wonder potty learning has been a challenge. No wonder she had become such a withholder of her bowels. She couldn't poo with a colossal solid ball of waste literally stuck inside of her. 

But hanging on to my guilt, that negative energy, does no good for N., for me, for our family. Cry, breathe and release

So forever grateful to the doctors at RWJ. From the GI specialist to the pediatric surgeon to the residents to the nurse practitioners to the volunteers on the pediatric floor. 

We have our little warrior pinay back. And she's fierce, more vibrant than ever. 

With heartful gratitude to Spirit.