The muscle memory of grief

Working hard to stay grounded while we wait for A.'s beloved uncle to die from pancreatic cancer. He has been the kindest and wisest father figure to A., a constant reminder of how his grandfather raised him during his early childhood years. I am truly grateful to have had many opportunities to get to know Tito (Uncle) Mading through our conversations during family gatherings, along with email and written correspondence through the years.

I remember Tito Mading's gentle expression when he was at my Dad's funeral and repast. I am deeply touched that he made the time to attend and celebrate my Dad's life. Since then, both A. and I have made tremendous effort to stay connected with him especially when we moved to NoVA. 

This past weekend, we visited with Tito Mading and engaged in a lovely and reflective chat about fishing, family and the cycle of life. Clearly weak from not being able to eat anymore, he was alert and very much at peace with his brave and thoughtful decision to die with dignity and hospice care at home. 

As we sat with him, I worked very hard to keep it together despite welling up when he shared that he appreciated all of my notes through the years, and grief bubbled up in my body as I recalled sitting with my Dad many days while he was dying, having heart-to-hearts with him, asking him for his wisdom about life. And he asked me, Have I been a good father?

When grief becomes muscle memory, my heart is heavy as I make an intentional effort to sit with my body and acknowledge the gravity of my feelings, allow myself to cry. While I can reflect on happy moments, I still feel the deep sadness in the loss of my Dad. From the time he decided to stop all treatment to his death from cancer, it was three weeks. Waiting for him to die was the most difficult and the longest three weeks of my life.

I requested the following from Tito Mading -- that he visit us in our dreams and also say hi to my Dad. A devout Catholic, still he curiously wonders if they will meet in the same place beyond the stars. I have no doubt that Tito Mading's memory will be a blessing to all of us who love and know him.