My baby love

oh, how I quell her 
with kisses and tickles 

and zerberts too! 

oh, her meowful titters 

like fanciful february butterflies wooing 

in the midst of winter’s 

rain garden by the bay.

oh, my baby love!

We are the world

N. and I listen to two music channels all day long - soundscapes and the 80s. As a new mama, I often think of the life lessons I'd like to impart to N. As I belted along with USA for Africa's "We are the World," I felt an overwhelming sense of compassion, love, and protection not only for N., but also for other children throughout the world. Mostly, I blame my single gendered education and the Sisters of Charity and their code of conduct who raised me for 13 of my formative years. I sobbed as I rocked out with N. and Cyndi Lauper.  

As I sat there, I wondered why I felt so feklempt. PMS? Mother's burden? Perhaps a combination.

Truth is, it's in the lyrics:
There comes a time when we heed a certain call / When the world must come together as one / There are people dying / And its time to lend a hand to life / The greatest gift of all . . . We can't go on pretending day by day / That someone, somehow will soon make a change /We are all a part of God's great big family / And the truth, you know, / Love is all we need . . . We are the world, we are the children / We are the ones who make a brighter day / So lets start giving . . . There's a choice we're making / We're saving our own lives / It's true we'll make a better day / Just you and me

Indeed I'm a sap. But there certainly is a huge world beyond N.'s under-the-sea, ocean blue walls. I hope that one day, she'll choose to express her compassion, love and protection of others. 

My present mama neurosis

I waited a long time to be a mama. It's the hardest work I've ever known. More challenging than the pressure of meeting funding deadlines. Harder than working with the most difficult personalities in trying to pull a project together. Not to mention physically and emotionally demanding too, especially being an at home mama (at 40).  As a child, I was never much for napping. But now, love my naps - when I can squeeze them in.  When we created our wills & such, our attorney (clearly a grandfather for many years now) delightfully commented that it's certainly not easy having a baby in our 40s. And yet, I would have it no other way.

As someone who married and had children late (by traditional Filipino and perhaps socioculturally accepted standards too), I sometimes guffawed at those women who claimed "mommy brain" at work. Thankfully, most of my mama friends who've been moms for a long time now have been excellent role models. Before I had N., they've always returned my phone calls or emails within a reasonable timeframe. We've always managed to carve out time to catch up -- yes, even with kids.  

But yes, now I get it. The madness of the day-to-day with a child. And I currently only have one! The time gets away from me -- from the moment she stirs, wakes and smiles in the morning to each feeding, play, nap, bath time and finally bed. Then it starts all over again. And in between, I'm fretting about whether or not I'm encouraging her development enough -- physical, cognitive, socioemotional, language, sensory and motor skills. (After all, I spent all of last summer writing a 140-page funding proposal on early childhood development.) Am I doing enough so that she meets her milestones? This mama neurosis of mine can be exasperating.

I come back to my present. N. She is my present.