I had an extremely hard day yesterday. Overwhelmed by my cousin RayRay's (Dad's brother's youngest son) visit and just physically and mentally exhausted, I completely lost it last night. I went to pick up Al from the PATH in Jersey City, and as we drove home, I could feel tears welling up. Holding it all in, I made it down the turnpike and parkway and didn't want Al to freak out that I was the one behind the wheel and actually feeling out of it.
Blame it on the first day of my period. I don't know. Cousin RayRay spent about a week with us. New York City by day with Mom and me, fishing by night with Al. It was a busy week! Wanting to perhaps offer him a change of scenery, maybe explore his options, this is the same cousin whom Dad asked to come live out here if he wanted to, years ago. Ray declined then. Dad was so generous that he was willing to take in his nephew and help finance his education. Not the only family Dad was willing to support. Cousin Danna (Dad's first cousin's daughter), also a doctor, arrived from the Philippines and lived with Mom & Dad for a while so that she could get her footing in the States and eventually pass the boards. She is now a physician with a successful practice in South Jersey. More than the common "It's family." Dad's heart was so amazingly sincere, especially with family.
When Al & I finally arrived home, I was too tired to go to the gym and just felt sick. Washing some dirty dishes, I lost it and started sobbing deeply. The wonderful partner that he is, Al comforted me as I sank into him and his broad shoulders that always hold me so lovingly. I know that these roller coaster emotions are natural during the grieving process. Some days are just so much harder than others. I mean, really hard.
I try to think myself out of my more solemn moods. I often think of a friend who has lost all of her immediate family members -- a mother to cancer, her father to a stroke and her brother to a heart attack while playing basketball. And she has come out of her grief so strong and fierce a woman. When you ask her, how do you move on? She says she relies completely on her faith in a higher Spirit. She is amazing.
It's like the character of Clark Davis in the Hallmark film, Love Comes Softly. He says not to wonder why God lets bad things happen to us, but to be grateful that God is with us when those terrible things happen. Maybe too corny for some folks. But as I've mentioned before, I'm a sucker for Hallmark movies.
My daily meditation chant --
Tat tuan asmi (I am that I am)
Shanti, shanti, shanti (May all beings be blessed with peace)
May I be filled with loving kindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
* To all those who keep up with my rants --
My wish for you: Blessings of fall's serenity, rain's inspiration & the Spirit's warmth.