finally

the end has arrived
my goodbye to frenzied fukulty
finally
finito
finale
f!@# you

I have an addiction

I guess it all started with the wedding planning. I wanted to make my own centerpieces, wheatgrass and shells, resembing the Jersey shore. I needed glass vases, shells, and sage candles in bulk. I've never been much of a shopper, hate the actual physical energy of having to get in a car, go to the department store, walk on the floor and hunt for the item I need. But there's something about the ease of online shopping. One click after another, I am able to to view hundreds of brands and styles in a matter of half a day (becasue it takes me that long to do a thorough search and make sure I get quality for a reasonable price). Whatever I'm searching for, it could be a vintage brocade cocktail dress (bluefly.com) or a new rattan/wicker lounge chair and ottoman (wickeroutlet.com), I spend days clicking each and every style on each and every site that pops up after my google. Some days, I'm just "window" online shopping. I have no intention of whipping out my credit card, but I just want to see what's out there.

In the past few months, I have looked at bookshelves (homedecorators.com), writing desks (also homedecorators.com), handmade wood fish mirrors (novica.com) . That I had no intention of whipping out my credit card, well, except for these times --

My mom generously donated the funds so that we could purchase a new dining table and chairs (roomstogo.com). A lovely wood pedestal and round glass top table, it fits in well with our home's shore theme. While we have a small cafe table in the windowed breakfast nook, my husband insists that we put our new dining table to use, so every meal is eaten there (and usually by candlelight).

I'd been wanting street signs to hang up in our kitchen and wanted them custom made. Sure enough, I located them (mrstreetsigns.com). One sign (for me) says, Jersey City Blvd; and the other (for my husband, the fisherman) says, Surfside Way. We haven't hung them up yet. But I have no doubt they will add our individual personalities to the cooking area.

Finally, we have two out-of-town weddings in September. My usual special occasion dresses are fitting quite snug, so of course I need at least one new dress. Found a bargain of one (spiegel.com), beige/gold-toned dress with a black mesh overlay. Perfect.

Rest assured, I don't shop online just for me. I look at every month's calendar to see whose birthdays are coming up. My friends' kids' birthdays are highlighted, so I make sure to send them a present (usually amazon.com). Or at least a free electronic card birthday greeting (mac.com/icards). Does the free stuff count as part of my addiction?

Uh oh. I just remembered, while I spend a good amount of time thoroughly researching items online, there is my other fixation. My weekly trips to . . .

. . . the dollar store.

for emilia & santiago

bright-eyed
toothless smiles
easily 'kili-teed' (tickled!)

bundles of joy
they are
babies

almost makes me one to have one (maybe even twins?)
but we'll get an old puppy instead
(for now)

flip flops

beaded
bejeweled
bedazzled

they carry me through concrete paths
on bustling streets
underground
& to the ocean

attracted to bold
& sometimes soothing
toepaint

they shout,
let me dress your feet!

& then i
treat myself to another
pair of
flip flops!

in search of renewal

I am physically and emotionally exhausted . . . coming down with a summer bug. I am sick of waiting for a work situation to unravel itself. I have no energy to be angry or frustrated, and yet I em enraged . . . my energy is at a low. Tired of waiting for a letter of agreement -- that I agree to resign, that I agree to accept a certain amount of money, that I agree not to apply for unemployment. Tired of the fake niceties that I have to maintain to maintain no drama. Tired of maintaining a semi-sane mind. It's exhausting to no longer know what you worked so hard to know, to deny what what once was your career love. I have cried myself to sleep, desperate to find a new passion, desperate because my dedication has been tampered with, desperate because what I once loved and knew so well has been taken away from me so violently. Did I really think that I would be at the same place of employment for longer than twelve years? It's a bad relationship, we both had our flaws. It's time to let go of each other, each of us in search of renewal and peace of mind.

LOST

emotional torture is the worst
waiting for resolve
to a situation that has been
unresolvable

i sink deeper
out of my self

lost
in uncertainty
in a future of possibilties

afraid that this is it
i have exhausted my path

lost
in anxiety
in dreams of pens, paper, & motherhood

excited to explore
other turns

that will lead me out of
being

lost