While I've been breaking through the past couple of days, I finally had a moment of clarity. Perhaps I'm overwhelmed trying to do too much, trying to keep it together -- especially in front of my Mom.
Everyone is concerned about my Mom -- and with good reason. Her life partner of 40 years has died. Few family or friends call her regularly to check up on her, and she doesn't want to reach out to folks. I know everyone leads their busy lives, they've got their own issues to work out. Sometimes I feel, rarely does anyone ask me how I'M doing. And really, I'm not doing that well all the time.
It's hard, really hard. So hard I wonder, Do I really have the heart and strength to come through this? And in all of my effort to keep it together, I do sometimes lose it. I'm sad. So sad I wouldn't mind hibernating in bed for the next month or so, maybe the entire winter. I'm easily frustrated. I have to learn a new patience with my Mom whose natural disposition is to communicate things to me as if there's always a fire to put out. AND I have to keep it together. Ironically enough, my therapist whom I haven't seen in more than a year called me recently (on one of my bad days) to touch base. So much has happened since I last saw her. It comforted me that someone (besides my cousin and husband) was concerned about me and my well-being.
I must sound selfish. I'm just trying to maintain my sanity. It's not easy being strong all of the time. It's not easy -- not crying in front of my Mom. It's not easy having to worry about having to contact an attorney to draw up important paperwork like power of attorney and medical directives for my Mom. It's not easy dealing with the anxiety of my disabled brother's future care when Mom passes. It's not easy negotiating the complications of family obligations (and it's so complicated!), mainly Dad's side of the family.
I know that family and friends are praying for us, are keeping us in their thoughts, and I'm grateful for that awareness. In prayerful discernment, I ask for the Spirit's guidance & grace to work through situations as they may be with an open heart.
Ho'opuka E Ka La.
[Hawaiian for Open the door to thoughts of light & love.]