Unwanted: Widowhood

I don't want to be a widow. Yes, we've put into place all of the precautions should anything happen to either A. or myself. Our documents have been updated since N. was born. But it is ever so horrifying to have to actually have that discussion with my husband.

He asks me, Do you know what to do if I die?

This has always been a realistic discussion ever since his open heart surgery seven years ago. Only now, we have a child to consider.

And now, A. has diabetes. Sudden adult onset. His blood work was fabulous just three months ago. He'd been losing some weight which I attributed to having a one-year-old and average day-to-day stress. But A. thought he was losing weight too quickly without trying. 

A. is one of the most disciplined individuals I know, especially when it comes to his overall health. 

Doctor says it's nothing he has or hasn't been doing. Some gene has just turned on. 

Medical directives. Check. Living will and testament. Check. Insurance policies and investments. Check.

All of this comes at a time when A., having recently turned 45, struggles with having to get reading glasses as well as accept the reality of the end of our adoption journey and now high blood sugar. What is especially scary is that A. is aware of how diabetes can complicate his heart health if his blood sugar is not under control. Since learning of his new condition last week and having to manage it, A. has vigilantly worked to stable his blood sugar as he wants to avoid insulin shots and additional meds. 

Do you know what to do if I die? I don't even want to entertain his question. I already know I probably wouldn't stay in the area. I couldn't bear to. I'd move closer to family or perhaps attempt to restart life someplace completely different. A. knows this and wouldn't expect anything else. 

As A. works to accept middle agedom, I have had to dig deep and remain positive, strong and supportive while quietly hushing my inner voice, I don't want to be widow. Not now.

Having had to prepare for my Dad's death somewhat in advance, I know how important it is to think about the situation and have the discussion. God forbid it happens. Please let it be a long time before it happens.

How do I deal? My ongoing practice is constant gratitude. For my husband. For our daughter. For our life that is full of sweet moments.