In my heart's raw

As life moves on for many family and friends, it's always been a little difficult to be in the raw moment of hearing any kind of baby news, we're pregnant news, we're having our second or third child news.  The moment is very raw.  While I'm later excited, and usually that's two or three days later once I've accepted the wonderful notice that someone other than A. & I are pregnant, that next five minutes consume me in raw disbelief, envy, anger and guilt rolled up into a sleepless night of raw sadness.  

I know I'm not alone in my sensitivity.  One friend and her husband spend thousands and thousands of dollars going to lab/blood tests, specialists' appointments . . . giving herself injections . . . making sure they're doing it at the exact moment that all other factors give the go.  And once they've done so, they have to be sure to check in with the doctors and see what the results are.  The pressure's exhausting!  Whenever G. & I get together, we commiserate about what it's like to hear when our closest friends and family share their expectant news.  We comfort each other in our hurt.  And then we promise each other that when it's time to tell the other that we're finally 'expecting,' we will do so with motherly love & celebration.  Of course.  She's my lady-in-waiting. Thanks, G.!

So when someone announces that they're pregnant and seemingly unknowingly expects us to react elatedly as if we're about to jump through the phone for sheer excitement, it can be a little off-putting. That's when I just have to walk to the bathroom, turn the faucet & fan on and sit on the toilet . . . and weep.  Hoping A. doesn't hear my deep, heartful sobbing. And it's not that I'm not happy for the couple who's expecting, it's a bittersweet sadness . . . we'd like to be expecting too.  No one tells you what to expect when you're not expecting.

Just a few days ago, A. & I had discussed whether or not it was actually a good time to start the adoption process, but were apprehensive to do so given that I am still unemployed.  But when we were out to dinner after a sleepless night, he said, I think this is God's way of telling us that we should go ahead and start the adoption process.  I believe in my heart this is what's supposed to happen.  We are blessed that both A. & I have always been open to adoption which has been a part of my family and a part of A.'s life too.

After being in our hearts' raw, A. & I have decided that we need not wait until I have a job to revisit the adoption application process and perhaps begin our first steps towards compiling our potential parent profile for the social worker's home visit.  A supportive friend reminded us that the social worker just wants to make sure that a couple isn't living in poverty or buying their groceries with food stamps.  

After all, international adoption from the Philippines can take as long as two years.  It's amazing all that goes into even starting the adoption process -- a lengthy application, recommendations, financial statements, home visits, childcare plans and more!  No authorities ask for any of this when a couple is having a biological child.  

So once I've completed Mom's special trust and estate planning needs with the attorney, we can then expect to get excited about the child who may not be growing inside of my body physically, but has been waiting in our hearts for quite a while.  With that raw-ness in my  heart, I can jump & down.